For thirty years this shed raised eucalypt seedlings for the koala rescue people two streets over. The timber trays and the watering cans stayed; we added a kitchen at the front and eight card tables under the old growing lights. Cards for points, never for money — no pokies, no bets, no online play.
The nursery raised tube stock: thousands of eucalypt seedlings a season, watered by hand, sorted on timber benches and trucked out to plantings up and down the Hastings.
When it closed we bought the shed with everything still in it. The benches became tables, the trays became shelving, and the lighting rig that grew the seedlings now hangs over the card room on a dimmer.
Sixty-odd people fit under that roof. We stop taking bookings there, because the shed has a tin roof and a full room under tin is nobody's idea of a quiet evening.
Eight tables
Old potting benches, resurfaced, with chips that count points and nothing else.
Coastal board
Fish off the wharf, macadamia from up the range, greens from two growers.
Canopy lights
The original growing rig, dropped a tier at a time from seven onwards.
Guidelines
What we expect of anyone who walks in
Everyone in this building is 18 or over. Identification is checked at the front bench.
Chips exist to keep score. They are never sold, never redeemed and hold no cash value at all.
No stake, no pot and no money moving between players — in the room or out on the loading dock.
This venue has no gaming machines and no plans to ever install one.
Keep phones on silent. Calls belong at the front, where the roof is lower and nobody is playing.
Alcohol service stops when we think it should. That decision is not a conversation.
Play
Eight benches under the old rig
The card room takes the back two thirds of the shed. Concrete floor, timber trusses overhead, one light per table and a curtain that closes it off from the kitchen when the room fills.
Games here are social and played for points. Chips are handed out at the start of a session and collected at the end. They are not sold, cannot be cashed and mean nothing the moment you step outside.
A table host works the room on the busier nights, not as an umpire but as someone to ask. Newcomers get walked through a game without an audience.
Six open benches
Walk in, take a seat, no list and no booking.
Two reserved
Held by phone for parties of four to six until seven.
Thursday starters
A quiet hour for people who have never played. Free, six seats.
Visit us
Where the shed is and when it is open
The shed
35 Clarence Street, Port Macquarie NSW 2444
Phone and email
+61 2 6583 7719 · bench@playkoalix.com
Open
Wednesday to Sunday, midday – 11pm
In pictures
The shed, the benches and the lights
Kitchen & bar
Off the wharf, up the range, out the back
The kitchen buys from the co-op on the river and from two growers on the hinterland road. What that produces is what gets cooked, which is why the board is short and why it moves.
Macadamia turns up in most things, because the grower is twenty minutes away and will not take no for an answer. The greens come from the same run.
The bar leans on cider from the Hunter Valley orchards, a handful of local beers and eight wines by the glass. Kitchen closes at half nine; the bar keeps going with cold plates until close.
Off the wharf
Whatever landed that morning, cooked plainly and served hot.
Macadamia
In the crumb, in the butter and in at least one dessert.
On tap
Four ciders, three beers, rotated when the keg runs out and not before.
Asked at the bench
What people want to know first
Is there a version of this I can play on my phone?
No. There is no app, no account and no online room anywhere — this website is a set of directions to a physical venue at 35 Clarence Street, Port Macquarie NSW 2444.
What are the chips worth?
Points, and only for the length of the session. They are not bought, not cashed and there is no pot, no prize money and no wagering of any kind here.
Do you have pokies?
None. No gaming machines of any sort. We put the money into the kitchen instead.
Do I need to book?
The kitchen on a Friday or Saturday, yes. The open benches, never — arrive and take a seat.
What is a canopy evening?
Friday. The old growing rig comes down a tier at a time from seven, so the shed gets darker and quieter as the night goes on.
Can I bring my teenager for dinner?
Unfortunately not. The licence covers the whole shed and the whole shed is over-18s.
Programme
Five days, five different rooms
WednesdayLong lunch, quiet benches, no host12pm – 11pm
ThursdayStarters hour at 6pm, six seats, free12pm – 11pm
FridayCanopy evening, lights drop from 7pm, all benches12pm – 11pm
SaturdayBusiest service, booking advised for the kitchen12pm – 11pm
SundaySlow benches, early close, one kitchen sitting12pm – 8pm
MondayDeliveries and maintenanceClosed
TuesdayNobody in the buildingClosed
Tonight's roster
Who is holding which job this evening
Front benchMeets you at the door, checks identification and finds you a seat
The passRuns the kitchen and decides when the board changes
Canopy lightsDrops the room a tier at a time as the evening settles
Table hostExplains a game, settles a misdeal and keeps the pace civil
Five jobs get handed out at the start of every service. The names change; the jobs do not. If something goes sideways, this tells you whose shoulder to tap.
Reservations
One phone call holds a bench
Somebody is on the phone from eleven. Say whether it is dinner, cards or both, and how many of you there are — that is the whole process.
Nothing is played through this website: no online play, no wagering and no gaming machines anywhere on the premises.
This site keeps two small values on your device — your answer to the age question and the fact you closed this bar. Neither reaches the venue.Full detail
